hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
