Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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