i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
