Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
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cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
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Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
this hospital has no fireball
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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