I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
