i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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