why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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