I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If I die, sorry about rent.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
