I just threw up on my dentist
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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