You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
