Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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