This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
