Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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