wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
