You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
