watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
