no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
this will be a night to untag.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
