Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The best revenge is premature balding
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
