I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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