i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
