you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
