I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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