very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm passing your future prison.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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