I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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