My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
