I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
