What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
