I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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