Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
