Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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