That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
