The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
