they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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