I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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