I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
