you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
