Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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