I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Is Oprah even human
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
