you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
