I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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