Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
