planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
