i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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