You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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