the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have aggressive nipples.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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