I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
