oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
