True but thats because hes a fetus.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
