Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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