Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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