tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
