I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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