when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
