I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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