There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
