im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
