Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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