The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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