I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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