He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
