We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
