i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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