He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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